Admiral Test

You know, there’s a lot of things I want to do in life when I finally make my billions.

Things such as buying Hi-C in order to bring back Ecto-Cooler with Slimer on the box, purchasing Pizza Hut in order to bring back “The Bigfoot” and commissioning a life size solid gold statue of Uncle Buck. How I’m going to make these billions, I’m not sure, but it’ll probably all be explained when they make a movie biopic of me untitled “The Rise of Admiral Snuggles” where I’ll be played by Shaq and Colin will be played by Frankie Muniz.

If I had to guess, I’ll probably make my billions from this Rob Mackowiak I have rookie card laying around. I got a feeling the market for .259 lifetime hitters is really going to spark this year and I’m going to be there to reap the benefits.

Anyway, what I’m really getting is at is there is one thing I would do if I was and when I become a billionaire. One thing above every other frivolous waste of money available to mankind.

Of course I’m talking about owning my very own Honker Burger.

That’s a fucking Honker Burger you’re looking at. I suppose it’s possible that some of you reading this don’t in fact know what the Honker Burger is, so allow me to start you off with a history lesson.

The Honker Burger was the hangout of Doug and all the kids of Bluffington on the Nickelodeon cartoon “Doug”. The place is introduced in the very first episode of Doug and continued to be a staple throughout the series. The first episode Doug follows Doug and his family while they’re in the process of adjusting to life after moving to Bluffington. After arriving at their new house, Doug’s dad tells him to hop on his bike and find some “fast burgers” for the family.

Doug doesn’t know where to go, because well he’s new to the town. What a dick move on his dad’s part. The kid’s like, 11 and they’re in a brand new town, but he’s just like “Yeah, Doug get on your bike and look around for a burger place to get us some food. Oh and make it fast, asshole.”

Anyway, Doug’s new neighbor shows him this video about Bluffington and this where we are first introduced to the Honker Burger. So Doug gets on his bike and heads to the Honker Burger.

Wow. I just noticed after all these years that the logo in a bike horn. That totally makes sense.

Doug arrives and all the kids inside gasp because, after all, Doug is the new guy and Bluffington fears the unknown. So he walks ups to the counter and immediately starts asking for burgers, fries and grape sodas. It’s here that we also get a look at the Honker Burger’s amazing ordering screen.

I really like that the lady at the counter didn’t greet Doug, she’s just standing there and Doug starts talking. The Honker Burger has attitude. I dig that because it’s like, when you come into my Honker Burger, don’t expect me to start making small talk with you. You better come in and just start ordering.

Anyway, Doug is asking for food and stuff, but the lady at the counter doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He’s just asking for burgers and fries at a burger joint but she‘s acting like he’s spitting our French or something. The whole thing’s made even more confusing because, before he gets to the counter, the menu is in plain view and burgers are clearly shown as being labeled burgers.

Or are they?

So the lady starts yelling that she can’t understand him and she starts honking a horn at him. Now Doug is sweating and he exclaims “We’re starving”. That’d be a real cool way to order food, but don’t try that at my Honker Burger because we have attitude.

Just when it looks like Doug won’t be getting any food, we are introduced to Doug’s future best friend, Skeeter.

Now you’ll notice from this picture that Skeeter is blue but if you watched the show, it because very apparent that blue translates to black in our world. So basically what I’m saying is that Skeeter is a black man.

Anyway, Skeeter says to let him take care of it and he starts ordering Doug’s food in some amazing street slang. He starts talking about moo cows and sneaker and stuff and the lady at the counter easily translates it into the traditional names.

That’s really cool that when you work at the Honker Burger, you don’t know what a burger means when someone says the word to them, but they can totally type it and read it. That’s because the Honker Burger has attitude or they just order it in slang when this chick is working because she’s slow or something. Also there’s no tricks when you go to order a salad from the salad bar. We don’t mess around when it comes to ordering salads. So you can get away with not learning the slang if you only eat salads.

Anyway I went ahead and uploaded the scene for you.

So Doug gets his food and meets all the locals kids, but who cares about that. Like I said before, the Honker Burger remained a staple for the rest of the show.

Some of the items the Honker Burger is mentioned as having are burgers, fries, fish sandwiches, salads, milkshakes and the honker dog (Hot Dogs). They also have scrambled beets and beet juice for breakfast.

As an aside, Bluffington is all about beets. I guess it makes sense because I mean, they are nature’s candy.

Doug ran new episodes on Nickelodeon from 1991-1994 and reruns continued till about 2000, but in between something terrible happened. In 1996, new episodes started airing on ABC during Disney’s “One Saturday Morning” lineup and they sucked. They sucked for a lot of reasons, but the made main reason it sucked was because in the first episode, the first God damned episode, they close the Honker Burger.

This fucking brain dead decision is probably why no one watched the show. The whole episode’s about how things are changing in Doug’s life and he hates it. The first thing that changes is that the Honker Burger, which is remodeled into a fancy restaurant named “Che Honk” or something.

So there’s a look back at the Honker Burger. Sometimes at night, I have trouble sleeping at night knowing that the world is without a real Honker Burger. Plus, even the fictional one is closed. So in both reality and fiction, no one is enjoying some Honker Dogs and fries.

…Which is exactly why I need to get my ducks in a row and figure out what my Honker Burger is going to be like.

The look

This is a simple one. It’ll look just like it did on the show. It’ll be all hot pink, have the classic white and purple floor tiles and you can bet everything is going to be rounded. Because we all know round things are hip. There’s also going to be Doug memorabilia all over the walls.

The Staff

They’ll look this.

The style

"The Honk" (That's what it's going to be lovingly referred to after we really take hold in the community) will be real hip and it’ll be playing music from Doug’s favorite band “The Beets” on loop. There will be a lot of 11-year-olds inside this Honker Burger.

The food

We’ll have all the basics; you know, Honker Burgers, sodas, Honker Dogs, chicken sandwiches, fish sandwiches, salads, shakes and fries. Although I will rename the fries to “Skeeter Fries” in honor of my main man Skeeter.

We’re going to have lots of variations of beets because remember, Bluffington loves beets.

But where things get real is in our Doug character themed foods.

The Patti Mayonnaise

Patti was Doug’s interest on the show, but who cares about that? What everyone really noticed and cared about was that he name sounds like a sandwich. With that being said our Honker Burger will carry our patty melt sandwich ironically titled “The Patti Mayonnaise”.

“The Patti Mayonnaise” is a delicious, juicy burger smothered in sautéed onions and Swiss cheese with mayonnaise dressing on toasted Rye Bread -- all for an affordable $6.99.

The Skunky Beamont

Skunky Beamont was never actually seen on the original Nickelodeon Doug series. He showed up on Disney’s Doug and he was a surfer, but we’re going to pretend that didn’t happen.

Skunky was a character that was always referred to and has since gained almost a God-like status. Events such as Skunky stealing Mr. Bone’s yodeling trophy and not blinking for three days after viewing a horror film are just the tip of the iceberg for this Cadillac of men.

“The Skunky Beamont” would be a delicious cheese steak sandwich with chipped steak, jalapeno peppers, diced onions and provolone cheese on a toasted Italian Hoagie roll. Priced at a meager $7.25.

The Mr. Dink Explosion

Mr. Dink was Doug’s next door neighbor who was always buying a bunch of very expensive high-tech gadgets. The Mr. Dink Explosion would be an explosion of vanilla ice cream and grape soda (because Mr. Dink is purple and grape soda is purple) creating an amazing grape soda float. Priced at an astonishing $1.99.

I'm pretty sure it's going to be great once this Honker Burger is opened and the world is finally at peace.

So what do you think? Do you have any menu ideas?

Let me know, or don’t because this probably won’t ever happen. Except for when it does happen. Or not.

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