Come watch us ruin our stomach lining -- Juggalo-style.
I have a confession to make: I have an addiction to stuff that kicks ass.
It’s a real sickness that’s plagued me for years. While other people are sitting around doing stuff that sucks, I’m out buying novelty energy drinks and reviewing them for this stupid site. So yeah, I got that going for me.
Anyway, I took a trip to the mall the other day and found a butt load of novelty energy drinks that I haven’t tried. Lucky for you, I decided to round them up and do one big mega-review on them all.
First up…
Old Fashioned Mustache Elixir
 |
If there is one thing that kicks ass, it’d be mustaches. Also, pirates. So we can all agree that this drink already gets points for dealing with mustaches and I think it’ll help you grow upper lip hair, so that’s pretty dope.
So what’s this drink’s deal? Does it make you grow a mustache? Is it just liquid mustache in a can? Well here’s a picture of it.
 |
As you can see, we have a reddish/purpled/pinkish magenta-like beverage. It’s actually more pink than the picture leads you to believe. I tried this drink with my Mexican friend so we would get duel opinions on the matter at hand.
My Mexican friend (let’s call him “Carlos”) liked the drink, remarking that it had a fruity, cherry taste. He also said it tasted similar to Mountain Dew Livewire, but with a cherry flavor instead of orange…whatever that means.
I personally thought it wasn’t bad, but I hate the standard energy drink after taste so I’m a little biased. I really couldn’t tell what flavor of fruit this drink was supposed to taste like, but I thought it had a bit of a pomegranate taste.
Unfortunately, the biggest let down with the drink was that when I finished it I still didn’t have a mustache.
Here’s the nutritional facts:
Calories 110
Sodium 175mg
Total carbs 30g
Sugars 28g
Vit B6 70%
Vit B12 210%
---
I Love Being Awesome
 |
Hmmmmm…
Well, I do love being awesome, but is this drink supposed to make me more awesome? I’m not sure what this drink’s trying to do for me.
 |
As you can see, this is basically the same colored drink as Old Fashioned Mustache Elixir. You can’t see the carbonation in this picture, but don’t let that fool you -- it’s fizzy. “Carlos” and I both agreed that this was basically the same drink as Mustache Elixir, except there was more of a berry taste with this one. If I had to pick something out, I’d guess raspberry or cranberry.
You know, it actually tastes a little like Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash except a little more bitter.
Here’s the nutritional facts:
Calories 110
Sodium 175mg
Total carbs 30g
Sugars 28g
Vit B6 70%
Vit B12 210%
---
Gears of War Mulsion
 |
So…ok. We have a drink based on the Gears of War video game. I’m not sure what “Mulsion” means, but I think it might mean “Anti-Freeze With Pee That Smells Kind of Like Lime” because that’s what this drink is.
 |
Right off the bat, you’ll notice the strong yellow/gold color. “Carlos” and I both agreed this stuff tasted pretty jank. It has a strong lime flavor, which is weird because it’s gold -- not green.
Look, man. It just tastes real shitty. I mean, it tastes like piss mixed with lemon and antifreeze or a science experiment gone wrong.
Here’s the nutritional facts:
Calories 110
Sodium 175mg
Total carbs 30g
Sugars 28g
Vit B6 70%
Vit B12 210%
And finally the grand finale….
*Sigh*
---
ICP Spazmatic
 |
Wow.
There’s a lot to say on this one. The drink describes itself as “Frothy, Freaky, Frosty, Refreshing Energy Freshness Can of Shazam”, “The Juggalo Energy Drink” and “Energy Sauce”. This can has a lot of words and information, which is weird because I’m pretty sure ICP fans can’t read.
There’s also a lot of mysteries surrounding this drink. Like, “Does it taste like Faygo?”, “What does Shazam taste like?”, “Is this a drink or a sauce?” or “Can I dip chicken strips in it?”. There’s also a lot more nutrition facts on this can as well, because Juggalos need to know what they’re drinking.
 |
Well, we can cut one question out right away. This stuff is definitely not sauce, it’s a drink. It’s got this light yellow color that’s pretty transparent. The drink kind of smells like a Rockstar Energy Drink, so basically it smells like candy corn.
“Carlos” thinks it smells like soap.
The two of us agreed that this one was the worst tasting of the bunch. The closest thing I can compare it to is a can of Rockstar, but way more bitter. It kind of tastes like a really bad vodka mixed drink, but without the alcohol. It taste nothing like Faygo or BBQ sauce.
Like I said before, this drink has a lot more nutrition facts on the back but I wrote down the basics. I should also not that this is the only drink on the list not made by Boston America Corp, it was made by Ball.
Sugar 27g
Calories 110
Sodium 200mg
Caffeine 75mg
I hope you enjoyed my look at some offbeat energy drinks. They all tasted like shit, but they do look real nice on a shelf with my other novelty drinks.
 |
Now if you excuse me I have to go the bathroom.
0 comments:
Post a Comment