Admiral Test

LJN: The NES years

There is definitely no gold at the of this rainbow.

The rise and fall of LJN….but mostly fall.

We all know there exists both bad video games and good video games. Back in the late 80’s and early 90’s, however, there was one company that specialized in strictly making shitty games.

That company was LJN.





LJN was founded in 1970 as toy company by Jack Friedman (who later went founded Jakks Pacific and THQ). The name LJN came from the initials of Lewis J. Norman, the reverse of Norman J. Lewis, whose toy company Friedman had been employed by as a sales representative. Lewis initially backed the company financially, but later sold his interest to a Chinese investor.

LJN began publishing video games for the Nintendo Entertainment System in 1987. This was not MCA's first foray into the video game business, however; it had previously started MCA Video Games, which formed a joint venture with Atari, Inc. to create coin-operated and home games and computer software based on various MCA properties.

MCA finally agreed to sell to Acclaim Entertainment in March 1990 for cash and Acclaim common stock. Under Acclaim, LJN pretty much kept the same movie/cartoon direction for their video games as when they were under MCA. Acclaim got rid of LJN's toy division, however, and focused the company strictly on video games.

During the 8-bit gaming era, Nintendo, as a form of quality control, regulated the number of titles to appear on it‘s console. As a work around, companies used other publishing labels (like LJN) to get more of it‘s games on the console.

Now, I guess none of that background means a whole lot because all we really need to know is they made a bunch of shitty games.

Alien 3

This game really sucks some wieners and it’s a shitty side scroller. The controls are really poopy too. You play as Ripley and you run around saving people and shooting aliens.

Now, the first problem is that they switched the controls. Instead of the B button attacking and A jumping, they switched them. It doesn’t sound like much, but bucking the trend that hundreds of other NES games established makes the game’s learning curve that much more difficult.

Another problem is that your character always stays somewhat in the center of the screen and when you run, it leaves much of the screen behind you. This makes it super hard to see what’s in front of you and allows enemies to just jump out without any warning and kill you. Another issue is there’s a fucking time limit, so you’re just running around like a crazed idiot.

Oh, also, the last reason it sucks is because it isn’t very good.

A Nightmare on Elm Street

I used to like this game a lot when I was a little kid. I bought it at a flea market and used to play it with my mom after school all the time. After playing it again recently, it didn’t really hold up as well as I hoped.

The goal of the game is to go around collecting Freddy Krueger’s bones to throw in a furnace. Everything AVGN said pretty much sums it up…those bones really do look like dog bones.

Look, the game’s a shitty side-scroller that is built so you never know where your supposed to go. The villains are real generic, the controls are slippery and it’s just real hard. There’s not a lot to say.

Back to the Future

This might be the worst game on the list.

*Sigh*

Where to begin?

Well, the game has one shitty chiptunes song that plays over and over, the whole goddamn time, you’re just going around grabbing clocks, Marty’s wearing a black tank top, the graphics suck and my butt hurts.

This thing just sucks.

I mean, I don’t even know what style of game this is. They should have a style of games called butt poop, because poop comes out of your butt and that’s what this game reminds me of. There’s a bunch of weird enemies in this game like hula hoop girls, bees, and guys carrying a plate glass window. So you throw bowling balls at them, just like in the movie.

I should also mention that this game is probably the worst on the entire list because it has an extreme lack of Biff. On a scale of 1-to-Biff, it gets a 0.

Beetlejuice

Now maybe I’m just a dumb asshole, but to me nothing about beetles and their juices seem happy.

The game’s another basic, NES side-scroller (stop me if you‘ve heard this before.) The controls are real slippery, you die from everything, you fall through shit, it’s non linear so you don’t know were the hell your going and it sucks. There’s also a bunch of enemies in this game you can’t kill, but they’ll kill you in one hit.

...Did I mention it sucks?

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Video Game Adventure

This game’s kind of controversial when put up among it’s LJN peers because just as many people actually like it as there are who hate it.

It’s time for some real talk, though. This game is balls.

Bill & Ted takes place shortly after the first movie and the goal is to go around as Bill and/or Ted saving historical figures and returning them to there correct times. Just like in the movie, gameplay consists entirely jumping 40 feet into the air and slamming your ass onto stuff looking for shit.

Friday the 13th

What can you say about this horrifying side-scroller? Well it’s non-linear, so it’s real confusing, the enemies are all stock, your default weapon arcs over all your enemies and nobody in the game has a face. Also, the game doesn’t have a story, so you really have no idea what the goal is.

Although you do fight Mrs. Voorhees’s floating head and it shoots lasers at you. That’s got to count for something.

Gotcha! The Sport!

There’s one main reason this game sucks. Just one, right? That, in and of itself, is an improvement over the rest of the lot.

You have to use both the zapper and the controller to play. You use the controller to move and the zapper to shoot, which is a lot to ask of one person.

There are a lot of people who love this game, so I guess that might count for something. But it kinda doesn’t.

The Incredible Crash Dummies

Man, there sure isn’t anything incredible about this bland side-scroller. The game is really hard to control. It’s also one of those game where when you get hit, you fly back.

But the game’s biggest issue is you can’t kill any enemies. No, you’re just stuck stunning them to advance in the level. There’s also a real automotive theme running throughout this game, so if you’re a car enthusiast you might like it.

You probably won’t, though.

Boy, the music is this game. Boy howdy. The tunes in ICD are just a scrambled 8-bit mess. I really don’t know what else to say.

Jaws

This game’s pretty easy to explain. You just go around in a boat, looking for Jaws.  After a bit of floating around, it’ll say you hit something and the screen switches to you swimming around and shooting some harpoons out of your mouth at fish.

When you connect with a fish, it explodes and conch shells appear. Now you need to collect these just like in the movie.

Remember how Brody just traded a bunch of shells to Jaws so he would stop killing people? You just keep shooting the same fish over and over until you have enough to fight Jaws. Wait, is that the actually the shark’s name? I don’t recall anybody referring to the shark as “Jaws” in any of the movies. I don’t think he has a name. His name should be like Joe or something. Yeah, “Joe the Shark”.

Anyway, this game sucks.

The Karate Kid

What hasn’t been said about this one that AVGN didn‘t already cover? It’s a side-scroller and one of those games where pressing up on the d-pad jumps. You fly back when you get hit, and it’s just really hard like a boner. Except it’s not as cool as a boner -- it sucks like Karate Kid 3.

Major League Baseball

This game is virtually unplayable. The AI hits anything you throw at it, unless it’s a 100 mph fast ball, but that only wears your pitcher down. The fielding is slow and all your players move in unison.

It’s also very difficult to make an out because the hitter always runs 10 times faster than you. I could really keep going because this game is worse than the Cleveland Indians.

Roger Clemens MVP Baseball

It’s way too hard to hit in this game and the teams are made up.

It sucks.

NFL Football

Behold, the worst football game ever made. The game moves so slow, it takes about three hours just to kick the ball. Every play is a pass play and you have to watch a shitty cut scene of a guy catching the ball each time.

This game also has one of the worst uses of a license that I‘ve ever seen because there‘s not one reference to a professional football player, despite it being licensed by the NFL.

It’s unplayable. Go play Tecmo Super Bowl instead.

Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six

This is the only Spider-Man game on the NES and it’s a shitty side-scroller (Shock!)

God,  I feel like I’m really just repeating myself at this point and it’s starting to get a little soul crushing.

It’s another one of those games that uses A to attack and B for jump. The punch attack also does a jump attack when you press the attack button twice. So what happens is, you just end up jumping and kicking all over the place when you just want to punch some fools.

Here we go again. The hit detection is terrible, it’s confusing, the graphics suck and for some reason, when Spiderman hits people, they blow up. That’s pretty cool though.

X-Men

The controls kind of work, there’s lots of different bad guys, and the stages look different. I mean, it could be worse, right?

Wrong.

This is got to be one of the worst games ever. I remember renting this at Giant Eagle when I was five years old and hating it even then. There‘s really nothing worse than being little, having no money of your own and knowing you just got stuck with a lemon for the entire weekend.

You have a decent selection of X-Men to choose from, but they all basically play and look identical. You’re picking your character in name only because they are nothing but a colored blob on the screen.

Remember all the classic villains of X-Men? Well they’re not here. In their place, make way for tanks, spiders and revolting blobs. And let’s not forget your retarded A.I. sidekick that has nothing better to do than spin in circles.

The Punisher

They really fucked up this one.

The Punisher is the most badass comic book character ever and they did him no justice in this boring gallery shooter.  You basically move your crosshairs around the screen and shoot the same enemies over and over while you stare at the Punisher’s backside. It’s impossible to dodge bullets and it sucks. Although, if you’re a fan of Sax players and looking at The Punisher’s back, you’ll be in for quite the ride.

Pictionary

It’s Pictionary on the NES, except it’s shitty.

Actually, wait. I guess it’s a pretty accurate representation.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Man I remember watching the movie and just how much it blew me away. So my dad went out and rented me the NES game. My dream of a journey through the world of Terminator 2 was not to be, however, as I couldn’t made it past the first level.

The Terminator is smaller than everybody in the game and he dies after about three hits. The developers chose to make him a complete pussy-wussy in the game. T2 is extremely hard, repetitive and it’s graphics are terrible.

This game should self terminate. That’s actually pretty clever.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit

Man, this game sucks. It really, really sucks. It’s just a sickening side-scroller that’s controls are so terrible that you’ll never know where to go (stop me if you‘re heard this before).

Whatever your guy’s name is and Roger Rabbit go in and out of stores looking for shit. The driving is horrible. It’s boring. Everything is horrible.

Eat some cake or something instead because cake is far from terrible.

T&C Surf Designs

This might be LJN’s most respected title, but it’s still not very good. The skateboarding section is playable but it’s nothing special. You just skate through a linear stage and jump over shit.

The surfing is impossible, but you do control a cat in a tuxedo. So that’s a 10 out of 10.

Wolverine

This is actually a very playable LJN game, but it’s like being the least smelly kid in smelly school. You smell less smelly, but guess what?

You’re still smelly. That's what.

Every WWF game.

These all suck. They’re unplayable. The graphics, the hit detection, the sound -- It’s all bad there’s not much to say.

The Big Bossman is in the game.

I hope this little trip down memory lane has shown that LJN really drove it into the pooper of NES gamers. I think this is all the company put out for the system, but I honestly can’t be sure. Getting this far made me pretty dizzy.

Check back in awhile and we’ll take a gander at the company’s 16-bit offerings.

-Corey

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