The Top 11 Villians of all-timeAdmiral Snuggles ain't afraid of no one. Except maybe the Undertaker.
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Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
We’re pretty big baseball fans here at Admiral Snuggles.
Throughout the years of our die-hard following of America's Pastime, we’ve seen some of our favorite players get traded, retire, get arrested and even die. There’s even some players we admire, but had their moment in the sun before we were born.
So that got us thinking about what it'd be like if we were billionaires and could afford to buy our *own* team. I'm talking such crazy bank that we'd be able to reach into the very fabric of time and pluck players from the past for this all-star team. I mean billionaires can make that shit happen.
Well, anyway, we put our heads together and came up with the roster for Admiral Snuggles’ "Planet Earth Snuggle Cats". You might be wondering why it says our team is from a planet and not a city or state, but you know what, Smarty Pants? It's because our team is so awesome that it can't just represent a city or state. Or even a country.
No, it's so fucking awesome it has to represent an entire planet.
Not only is Dock Ellis a great pitcher, but he once pitched a no hitter while high on acid. Apparently, Ellis was getting high with friends the night before under the assumption he had the next night off. So when Dock got the call the next morning that he was needed on the mound, well...He was a bit surprised.
Despite tripping the trippiest of balls, Ellis threw an eight-walk no hitter. Ellis even went so far as to claim that catcher Jerry Mays wore reflective tape in order for Ellis to see his pitching target.
Ellis had this to say on the incident:
"I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria. I was zeroed in on the (catcher's) glove, but I didn't hit the glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters and the bases were loaded two or three times. The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him. I chewed my gum until it turned to powder.
I started having a crazy idea in the fourth inning that Richard Nixon was the home plate umpire, and once I thought I was pitching a baseball to Jimi Hendrix, who to me was holding a guitar and swinging it over the plate. They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn't hit hard and never reached me."
Dock Ellis is also known for a 1974 game against the Reds where he attempted to hit every player on the Reds. Believing his team lacked the motivation, he reportedly said to the them: "We gonna get down. We gonna do the do. I'm going to hit these mother fuckers." Ellis followed that rousing speech by hitting Pete Rose, Joe Morgan, Dan Driessen and almost hitting Tony Perez on four straight pitches to walk a run home. He then threw two pitches at Johnny Bench's head before he was pulled from the game. Ellis said remarked that he "tried to deck him twice. I threw at his jaw, and he moved. I threw at the back of his head, and he moved."
He was also once maced by a security guard when the security guard mistook him for an aggressive fan.
Jim Abbott has one hand and he was a major league pitcher. That’s pretty rad. Dude used to rest his glove on his stump, throw the ball and slip the glove back on his hand to field the ball. Many players tried to bunt to him to exploit the fact that he has one hand but they were rarely successful. Dumbasses.
Obviously, we would want Farnsworth coming out of the pen, but we’re scared to tell him that. So I guess he can be a starter is he wants.
Farnsworth earns a spot on our team for being one of the only players or only player ever to charge home plate and try to attack a player. He also came out into a bench-clearing brawl and waited for it to clear before tackling a guy. Farnsworth also once attacked a fan resulting in him spraining his knee and landing on the disabled list.
Not only is he a great pitcher, but he buys his own autographed memorabilia on eBay because they are “authenticated”. He also collects stuffed animals, travels with pink satin pillows and talks to sea life. 100% true story, Colin saw him naked once too. It was pretty weird.
Patrick Duffy from “Step by step” is also his uncle and that’s pretty cool.
What can you say about Darryl Strawberry? The guy's a living legend and hall of famer.
He’s also been arrested numerous times for drug possession and for trying to solicit sex from hookers and police undercover as hookers. But Mr. Strawberry truly earned his spot on the roster for that time in 2001 when he tried to kidnap himself to get ransom money.
Michaels is on our roster strictly because he posed in a photo with kittens and because the dude takes a damn good mug shot.
There’s nothing funny here. He just kicks ass and he also starred in some pretty awesome Nintendo games.
Rob Mackowiak is on our team because, well, fuck you, it's our team. Plus, when we did a search for him, this picture came up.
And that has to count for something.
Big Sexy is on our team because he's Richie Sexson. Plus, he gets mad a lot and we don’t need our guys taking any shit.
While playing with the Pittsburgh Pirates, manager Lloyd McClendon stole first base after being ejected from the game. Brian Giles then took the base and made a makeshift shrine by placed it in his locker along with a picture of McClendon and candles.
He also once took batting practice naked.
Okay look, I don’t know who Ross Grimsley is either but just look at him. Who wouldn’t want this man on their team? Plus, his mustache could act as a utility infielder and it's always nice to have a flexible player on the team.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Oh, haha. Real funny, guys. Chewbacca is a character from Star Wars, he’s not a baseball player”.
If that’s true, then where did we get this card from, smart guy. Can’t he be both? The card clearly says he’s a second basemen and guess what, he’s damn good too. I get so excited thinking about Chewbacca coming up to the dish or taking his position in the diamond that I have to wear a diaper when I sleep. I mean, the guy is a Wookie and if there’s one thing I know about Wookies is that they can sock dingers. Like, crazy far dingers.
OK, we know Mike sucked at baseball, but I mean who gives a shit. I mean he’s Michael Jordan. Plus, we need the star power because I’m not sure simply having Chewbacca on your team is going fill up the seats.
Also, he was in Space Jam so he has some space experience. This will really help us out because since we represent the whole planet we might have to go into space to play other planets.
Sure, he wasn’t the best player. He wasn’t even decent. He was also Cal Ripken’s brother, so that had to suck. But that’s OK because in 1988, Billy took a photo for a baseball card holding his bat with the word “fuck face” clearly on the handle of the bat.
This guy has earned him self a big payday with the Snuggle Cats.
Johnson, who was born in East Texas but was raised in Venezuela, recently had his prison sentence commuted. He served time for running a smuggling ring that imported rare and illegal species of reptiles into the United States from South America during the mid-to-late 1990s.
Johnson is best remembered for making a single pitch after chugging a beer and being chased of the field by an opposing player.
This guy is definitely on our team. He took a picture with Big Bird.
It doesn’t matter that he’s dead -- we have the funds to take care of that. “The Bird” needs to be on our team because of his love on manicuring the mound. We don’t want our players playing on some shitty mounds.
He also liked to talk to himself and the baseball. I haven’t been blessed with the ability to talk to and understand a baseball. Hopefully this guy can help us out with that.
There’s a couple reasons we need Spaceman on our roster. First, he threatened to bite an umpire’s ear off and second and most importantly, he’s a spaceman.
With our team representing the whole planet, it’s very likely that we may have to travel to other galaxies to play other teams and we can sure use an experienced spaceman.
This guy's kind of new on the scene, but he's definitely earned his spot on the Snuggle Cats. He recently did an interview with ESPN's "Rome is Burning" where we learned a few things about him.
1) He's a certified ninja.
2) He has too much awesome on his feet so MLB and his teammates are jealous of that.
3) He owns a real-life Zack Morris phone.
4) Also, I really like that shirt he has on.
Ok we need Darren Daulton for one reason and one reason only. We need him because he can travel through time! He recently claimed in a televised interview with ESPN that he has "skipped through time" and undergone "astral travel" and will "blast into space."
We have a lot of dead players on this team and if we’re going to get them out onto the diamond, we’re going to need Darren to travel through time and bring them back.
He could also go into the future and check out some of our opponents game plans.
Rick Vaughn stole a car once, but he also stole our hearts as the rocket-armed number-one starter for the scrappy Cleveland Indians.
As long as we can keep him out of prison or away from gold-digging agents looking to clean up his image, I'm pretty sure the Wild Thing would both be a lights-out starter and a pretty big box office draw.
We’re going to need Roger on our team, there’s no doubt about that. Let’s face it, baseballs are going to break and explode and someone is going to have to fix them. Why not have that person be Roger McDowell?
We know he owns a tool belt. I mean he wore it to the mound once -- there's photographic evidence to prove it.
See?
He also used to blow up fireworks in the dugout and we’re going to need fireworks from all the victories we’re going to have.
Michael is on our team because he can moonwalk. Since we’ll be in space and we might have to play the moon, it’s probably a good idea that our players know how to walk up there.
Like I said before, we’ll be playing in space and we’ll need someone with experience leading this team. Plus, I think he played baseball once in an episode of Looney Tunes.
He also apparently likes Christmas and that’s really cool.
---
So I mean, basically that’s our team. We’re still negotiating a coaching job with Shaq, but that whole being the coolest person on earth thing is getting in the way.
What do you think of our team? Think you can do better? Who would you have on your team?
Throughout the years of our die-hard following of America's Pastime, we’ve seen some of our favorite players get traded, retire, get arrested and even die. There’s even some players we admire, but had their moment in the sun before we were born.
So that got us thinking about what it'd be like if we were billionaires and could afford to buy our *own* team. I'm talking such crazy bank that we'd be able to reach into the very fabric of time and pluck players from the past for this all-star team. I mean billionaires can make that shit happen.
Well, anyway, we put our heads together and came up with the roster for Admiral Snuggles’ "Planet Earth Snuggle Cats". You might be wondering why it says our team is from a planet and not a city or state, but you know what, Smarty Pants? It's because our team is so awesome that it can't just represent a city or state. Or even a country.
No, it's so fucking awesome it has to represent an entire planet.
---
Starting Pitcher/Ace: Dock Ellis
Not only is Dock Ellis a great pitcher, but he once pitched a no hitter while high on acid. Apparently, Ellis was getting high with friends the night before under the assumption he had the next night off. So when Dock got the call the next morning that he was needed on the mound, well...He was a bit surprised.
Despite tripping the trippiest of balls, Ellis threw an eight-walk no hitter. Ellis even went so far as to claim that catcher Jerry Mays wore reflective tape in order for Ellis to see his pitching target.
Ellis had this to say on the incident:
"I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria. I was zeroed in on the (catcher's) glove, but I didn't hit the glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters and the bases were loaded two or three times. The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him. I chewed my gum until it turned to powder.
I started having a crazy idea in the fourth inning that Richard Nixon was the home plate umpire, and once I thought I was pitching a baseball to Jimi Hendrix, who to me was holding a guitar and swinging it over the plate. They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn't hit hard and never reached me."
Dock Ellis is also known for a 1974 game against the Reds where he attempted to hit every player on the Reds. Believing his team lacked the motivation, he reportedly said to the them: "We gonna get down. We gonna do the do. I'm going to hit these mother fuckers." Ellis followed that rousing speech by hitting Pete Rose, Joe Morgan, Dan Driessen and almost hitting Tony Perez on four straight pitches to walk a run home. He then threw two pitches at Johnny Bench's head before he was pulled from the game. Ellis said remarked that he "tried to deck him twice. I threw at his jaw, and he moved. I threw at the back of his head, and he moved."
He was also once maced by a security guard when the security guard mistook him for an aggressive fan.
Starting Pitcher: Jim Abbott
Jim Abbott has one hand and he was a major league pitcher. That’s pretty rad. Dude used to rest his glove on his stump, throw the ball and slip the glove back on his hand to field the ball. Many players tried to bunt to him to exploit the fact that he has one hand but they were rarely successful. Dumbasses.
Starting Pitcher/Reliever: Kyle Farnsworth
Obviously, we would want Farnsworth coming out of the pen, but we’re scared to tell him that. So I guess he can be a starter is he wants.
Farnsworth earns a spot on our team for being one of the only players or only player ever to charge home plate and try to attack a player. He also came out into a bench-clearing brawl and waited for it to clear before tackling a guy. Farnsworth also once attacked a fan resulting in him spraining his knee and landing on the disabled list.
Starting Pitcher: Barry Zito
Not only is he a great pitcher, but he buys his own autographed memorabilia on eBay because they are “authenticated”. He also collects stuffed animals, travels with pink satin pillows and talks to sea life. 100% true story, Colin saw him naked once too. It was pretty weird.
Patrick Duffy from “Step by step” is also his uncle and that’s pretty cool.
Outfielder: Darryl Strawberry
What can you say about Darryl Strawberry? The guy's a living legend and hall of famer.
He’s also been arrested numerous times for drug possession and for trying to solicit sex from hookers and police undercover as hookers. But Mr. Strawberry truly earned his spot on the roster for that time in 2001 when he tried to kidnap himself to get ransom money.
Outfielder: Jason Michaels
Michaels is on our roster strictly because he posed in a photo with kittens and because the dude takes a damn good mug shot.
Outfielder: Ken Griffey Jr.
There’s nothing funny here. He just kicks ass and he also starred in some pretty awesome Nintendo games.
Infielder: Rob Mackowiak
Rob Mackowiak is on our team because, well, fuck you, it's our team. Plus, when we did a search for him, this picture came up.
And that has to count for something.
Infielder: Richie Sexson
Big Sexy is on our team because he's Richie Sexson. Plus, he gets mad a lot and we don’t need our guys taking any shit.
Outfielder: Brian Giles
While playing with the Pittsburgh Pirates, manager Lloyd McClendon stole first base after being ejected from the game. Brian Giles then took the base and made a makeshift shrine by placed it in his locker along with a picture of McClendon and candles.
He also once took batting practice naked.
Pitcher: Ross Grimsley
Okay look, I don’t know who Ross Grimsley is either but just look at him. Who wouldn’t want this man on their team? Plus, his mustache could act as a utility infielder and it's always nice to have a flexible player on the team.
Infielder: Chewbacca
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Oh, haha. Real funny, guys. Chewbacca is a character from Star Wars, he’s not a baseball player”.
If that’s true, then where did we get this card from, smart guy. Can’t he be both? The card clearly says he’s a second basemen and guess what, he’s damn good too. I get so excited thinking about Chewbacca coming up to the dish or taking his position in the diamond that I have to wear a diaper when I sleep. I mean, the guy is a Wookie and if there’s one thing I know about Wookies is that they can sock dingers. Like, crazy far dingers.
Outfielder: Michael Jordan
OK, we know Mike sucked at baseball, but I mean who gives a shit. I mean he’s Michael Jordan. Plus, we need the star power because I’m not sure simply having Chewbacca on your team is going fill up the seats.
Also, he was in Space Jam so he has some space experience. This will really help us out because since we represent the whole planet we might have to go into space to play other planets.
Infielder: Billy Ripken
Sure, he wasn’t the best player. He wasn’t even decent. He was also Cal Ripken’s brother, so that had to suck. But that’s OK because in 1988, Billy took a photo for a baseball card holding his bat with the word “fuck face” clearly on the handle of the bat.
This guy has earned him self a big payday with the Snuggle Cats.
Pitcher: Billy Ray “Rojo” Johnson
Johnson, who was born in East Texas but was raised in Venezuela, recently had his prison sentence commuted. He served time for running a smuggling ring that imported rare and illegal species of reptiles into the United States from South America during the mid-to-late 1990s.
Johnson is best remembered for making a single pitch after chugging a beer and being chased of the field by an opposing player.
Pitcher: Mark “The Bird” Fidrych
This guy is definitely on our team. He took a picture with Big Bird.
It doesn’t matter that he’s dead -- we have the funds to take care of that. “The Bird” needs to be on our team because of his love on manicuring the mound. We don’t want our players playing on some shitty mounds.
He also liked to talk to himself and the baseball. I haven’t been blessed with the ability to talk to and understand a baseball. Hopefully this guy can help us out with that.
Starting Pitcher: Bill “Spaceman” Lee
There’s a couple reasons we need Spaceman on our roster. First, he threatened to bite an umpire’s ear off and second and most importantly, he’s a spaceman.
With our team representing the whole planet, it’s very likely that we may have to travel to other galaxies to play other teams and we can sure use an experienced spaceman.
Relief Pitcher/Closer: Brian Wilson
This guy's kind of new on the scene, but he's definitely earned his spot on the Snuggle Cats. He recently did an interview with ESPN's "Rome is Burning" where we learned a few things about him.
1) He's a certified ninja.
2) He has too much awesome on his feet so MLB and his teammates are jealous of that.
3) He owns a real-life Zack Morris phone.
4) Also, I really like that shirt he has on.
Catcher: Darren “Dutch” Daulton
Ok we need Darren Daulton for one reason and one reason only. We need him because he can travel through time! He recently claimed in a televised interview with ESPN that he has "skipped through time" and undergone "astral travel" and will "blast into space."
We have a lot of dead players on this team and if we’re going to get them out onto the diamond, we’re going to need Darren to travel through time and bring them back.
He could also go into the future and check out some of our opponents game plans.
Pitcher: Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn
Rick Vaughn stole a car once, but he also stole our hearts as the rocket-armed number-one starter for the scrappy Cleveland Indians.
As long as we can keep him out of prison or away from gold-digging agents looking to clean up his image, I'm pretty sure the Wild Thing would both be a lights-out starter and a pretty big box office draw.
Pitcher: Roger McDowell
We’re going to need Roger on our team, there’s no doubt about that. Let’s face it, baseballs are going to break and explode and someone is going to have to fix them. Why not have that person be Roger McDowell?
We know he owns a tool belt. I mean he wore it to the mound once -- there's photographic evidence to prove it.
See?
He also used to blow up fireworks in the dugout and we’re going to need fireworks from all the victories we’re going to have.
Coach: Michael Jackson
Michael is on our team because he can moonwalk. Since we’ll be in space and we might have to play the moon, it’s probably a good idea that our players know how to walk up there.
Coach: Marvin Martian
Like I said before, we’ll be playing in space and we’ll need someone with experience leading this team. Plus, I think he played baseball once in an episode of Looney Tunes.
He also apparently likes Christmas and that’s really cool.
So I mean, basically that’s our team. We’re still negotiating a coaching job with Shaq, but that whole being the coolest person on earth thing is getting in the way.
What do you think of our team? Think you can do better? Who would you have on your team?
Friday, August 13, 2010
You know, there’s a lot of things I want to do in life when I finally make my billions.
Things such as buying Hi-C in order to bring back Ecto-Cooler with Slimer on the box, purchasing Pizza Hut in order to bring back “The Bigfoot” and commissioning a life size solid gold statue of Uncle Buck. How I’m going to make these billions, I’m not sure, but it’ll probably all be explained when they make a movie biopic of me untitled “The Rise of Admiral Snuggles” where I’ll be played by Shaq and Colin will be played by Frankie Muniz.
If I had to guess, I’ll probably make my billions from this Rob Mackowiak I have rookie card laying around. I got a feeling the market for .259 lifetime hitters is really going to spark this year and I’m going to be there to reap the benefits.
Anyway, what I’m really getting is at is there is one thing I would do if I was and when I become a billionaire. One thing above every other frivolous waste of money available to mankind.
Of course I’m talking about owning my very own Honker Burger.
That’s a fucking Honker Burger you’re looking at. I suppose it’s possible that some of you reading this don’t in fact know what the Honker Burger is, so allow me to start you off with a history lesson.
The Honker Burger was the hangout of Doug and all the kids of Bluffington on the Nickelodeon cartoon “Doug”. The place is introduced in the very first episode of Doug and continued to be a staple throughout the series. The first episode Doug follows Doug and his family while they’re in the process of adjusting to life after moving to Bluffington. After arriving at their new house, Doug’s dad tells him to hop on his bike and find some “fast burgers” for the family.
Doug doesn’t know where to go, because well he’s new to the town. What a dick move on his dad’s part. The kid’s like, 11 and they’re in a brand new town, but he’s just like “Yeah, Doug get on your bike and look around for a burger place to get us some food. Oh and make it fast, asshole.”
Anyway, Doug’s new neighbor shows him this video about Bluffington and this where we are first introduced to the Honker Burger. So Doug gets on his bike and heads to the Honker Burger.
Doug arrives and all the kids inside gasp because, after all, Doug is the new guy and Bluffington fears the unknown. So he walks ups to the counter and immediately starts asking for burgers, fries and grape sodas. It’s here that we also get a look at the Honker Burger’s amazing ordering screen.
I really like that the lady at the counter didn’t greet Doug, she’s just standing there and Doug starts talking. The Honker Burger has attitude. I dig that because it’s like, when you come into my Honker Burger, don’t expect me to start making small talk with you. You better come in and just start ordering.
Anyway, Doug is asking for food and stuff, but the lady at the counter doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He’s just asking for burgers and fries at a burger joint but she‘s acting like he’s spitting our French or something. The whole thing’s made even more confusing because, before he gets to the counter, the menu is in plain view and burgers are clearly shown as being labeled burgers.
Or are they?
So the lady starts yelling that she can’t understand him and she starts honking a horn at him. Now Doug is sweating and he exclaims “We’re starving”. That’d be a real cool way to order food, but don’t try that at my Honker Burger because we have attitude.
Just when it looks like Doug won’t be getting any food, we are introduced to Doug’s future best friend, Skeeter.
Anyway, Skeeter says to let him take care of it and he starts ordering Doug’s food in some amazing street slang. He starts talking about moo cows and sneaker and stuff and the lady at the counter easily translates it into the traditional names.
That’s really cool that when you work at the Honker Burger, you don’t know what a burger means when someone says the word to them, but they can totally type it and read it. That’s because the Honker Burger has attitude or they just order it in slang when this chick is working because she’s slow or something. Also there’s no tricks when you go to order a salad from the salad bar. We don’t mess around when it comes to ordering salads. So you can get away with not learning the slang if you only eat salads.
Anyway I went ahead and uploaded the scene for you.
So Doug gets his food and meets all the locals kids, but who cares about that. Like I said before, the Honker Burger remained a staple for the rest of the show.
Some of the items the Honker Burger is mentioned as having are burgers, fries, fish sandwiches, salads, milkshakes and the honker dog (Hot Dogs). They also have scrambled beets and beet juice for breakfast.
As an aside, Bluffington is all about beets. I guess it makes sense because I mean, they are nature’s candy.
Doug ran new episodes on Nickelodeon from 1991-1994 and reruns continued till about 2000, but in between something terrible happened. In 1996, new episodes started airing on ABC during Disney’s “One Saturday Morning” lineup and they sucked. They sucked for a lot of reasons, but the made main reason it sucked was because in the first episode, the first God damned episode, they close the Honker Burger.
This fucking brain dead decision is probably why no one watched the show. The whole episode’s about how things are changing in Doug’s life and he hates it. The first thing that changes is that the Honker Burger, which is remodeled into a fancy restaurant named “Che Honk” or something.
So there’s a look back at the Honker Burger. Sometimes at night, I have trouble sleeping at night knowing that the world is without a real Honker Burger. Plus, even the fictional one is closed. So in both reality and fiction, no one is enjoying some Honker Dogs and fries.
…Which is exactly why I need to get my ducks in a row and figure out what my Honker Burger is going to be like.
This is a simple one. It’ll look just like it did on the show. It’ll be all hot pink, have the classic white and purple floor tiles and you can bet everything is going to be rounded. Because we all know round things are hip. There’s also going to be Doug memorabilia all over the walls.
They’ll look this.
"The Honk" (That's what it's going to be lovingly referred to after we really take hold in the community) will be real hip and it’ll be playing music from Doug’s favorite band “The Beets” on loop. There will be a lot of 11-year-olds inside this Honker Burger.
We’ll have all the basics; you know, Honker Burgers, sodas, Honker Dogs, chicken sandwiches, fish sandwiches, salads, shakes and fries. Although I will rename the fries to “Skeeter Fries” in honor of my main man Skeeter.
We’re going to have lots of variations of beets because remember, Bluffington loves beets.
Patti was Doug’s interest on the show, but who cares about that? What everyone really noticed and cared about was that he name sounds like a sandwich. With that being said our Honker Burger will carry our patty melt sandwich ironically titled “The Patti Mayonnaise”.
“The Patti Mayonnaise” is a delicious, juicy burger smothered in sautéed onions and Swiss cheese with mayonnaise dressing on toasted Rye Bread -- all for an affordable $6.99.
Skunky was a character that was always referred to and has since gained almost a God-like status. Events such as Skunky stealing Mr. Bone’s yodeling trophy and not blinking for three days after viewing a horror film are just the tip of the iceberg for this Cadillac of men.
“The Skunky Beamont” would be a delicious cheese steak sandwich with chipped steak, jalapeno peppers, diced onions and provolone cheese on a toasted Italian Hoagie roll. Priced at a meager $7.25.
So what do you think? Do you have any menu ideas?
Let me know, or don’t because this probably won’t ever happen. Except for when it does happen. Or not.
Things such as buying Hi-C in order to bring back Ecto-Cooler with Slimer on the box, purchasing Pizza Hut in order to bring back “The Bigfoot” and commissioning a life size solid gold statue of Uncle Buck. How I’m going to make these billions, I’m not sure, but it’ll probably all be explained when they make a movie biopic of me untitled “The Rise of Admiral Snuggles” where I’ll be played by Shaq and Colin will be played by Frankie Muniz.
If I had to guess, I’ll probably make my billions from this Rob Mackowiak I have rookie card laying around. I got a feeling the market for .259 lifetime hitters is really going to spark this year and I’m going to be there to reap the benefits.
Anyway, what I’m really getting is at is there is one thing I would do if I was and when I become a billionaire. One thing above every other frivolous waste of money available to mankind.
Of course I’m talking about owning my very own Honker Burger.
 |
That’s a fucking Honker Burger you’re looking at. I suppose it’s possible that some of you reading this don’t in fact know what the Honker Burger is, so allow me to start you off with a history lesson.
The Honker Burger was the hangout of Doug and all the kids of Bluffington on the Nickelodeon cartoon “Doug”. The place is introduced in the very first episode of Doug and continued to be a staple throughout the series. The first episode Doug follows Doug and his family while they’re in the process of adjusting to life after moving to Bluffington. After arriving at their new house, Doug’s dad tells him to hop on his bike and find some “fast burgers” for the family.
Doug doesn’t know where to go, because well he’s new to the town. What a dick move on his dad’s part. The kid’s like, 11 and they’re in a brand new town, but he’s just like “Yeah, Doug get on your bike and look around for a burger place to get us some food. Oh and make it fast, asshole.”
Anyway, Doug’s new neighbor shows him this video about Bluffington and this where we are first introduced to the Honker Burger. So Doug gets on his bike and heads to the Honker Burger.
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Doug arrives and all the kids inside gasp because, after all, Doug is the new guy and Bluffington fears the unknown. So he walks ups to the counter and immediately starts asking for burgers, fries and grape sodas. It’s here that we also get a look at the Honker Burger’s amazing ordering screen.
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I really like that the lady at the counter didn’t greet Doug, she’s just standing there and Doug starts talking. The Honker Burger has attitude. I dig that because it’s like, when you come into my Honker Burger, don’t expect me to start making small talk with you. You better come in and just start ordering.
Anyway, Doug is asking for food and stuff, but the lady at the counter doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He’s just asking for burgers and fries at a burger joint but she‘s acting like he’s spitting our French or something. The whole thing’s made even more confusing because, before he gets to the counter, the menu is in plain view and burgers are clearly shown as being labeled burgers.
Or are they?
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So the lady starts yelling that she can’t understand him and she starts honking a horn at him. Now Doug is sweating and he exclaims “We’re starving”. That’d be a real cool way to order food, but don’t try that at my Honker Burger because we have attitude.
Just when it looks like Doug won’t be getting any food, we are introduced to Doug’s future best friend, Skeeter.
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Anyway, Skeeter says to let him take care of it and he starts ordering Doug’s food in some amazing street slang. He starts talking about moo cows and sneaker and stuff and the lady at the counter easily translates it into the traditional names.
That’s really cool that when you work at the Honker Burger, you don’t know what a burger means when someone says the word to them, but they can totally type it and read it. That’s because the Honker Burger has attitude or they just order it in slang when this chick is working because she’s slow or something. Also there’s no tricks when you go to order a salad from the salad bar. We don’t mess around when it comes to ordering salads. So you can get away with not learning the slang if you only eat salads.
Anyway I went ahead and uploaded the scene for you.
So Doug gets his food and meets all the locals kids, but who cares about that. Like I said before, the Honker Burger remained a staple for the rest of the show.
Some of the items the Honker Burger is mentioned as having are burgers, fries, fish sandwiches, salads, milkshakes and the honker dog (Hot Dogs). They also have scrambled beets and beet juice for breakfast.
As an aside, Bluffington is all about beets. I guess it makes sense because I mean, they are nature’s candy.
Doug ran new episodes on Nickelodeon from 1991-1994 and reruns continued till about 2000, but in between something terrible happened. In 1996, new episodes started airing on ABC during Disney’s “One Saturday Morning” lineup and they sucked. They sucked for a lot of reasons, but the made main reason it sucked was because in the first episode, the first God damned episode, they close the Honker Burger.
This fucking brain dead decision is probably why no one watched the show. The whole episode’s about how things are changing in Doug’s life and he hates it. The first thing that changes is that the Honker Burger, which is remodeled into a fancy restaurant named “Che Honk” or something.
So there’s a look back at the Honker Burger. Sometimes at night, I have trouble sleeping at night knowing that the world is without a real Honker Burger. Plus, even the fictional one is closed. So in both reality and fiction, no one is enjoying some Honker Dogs and fries.
…Which is exactly why I need to get my ducks in a row and figure out what my Honker Burger is going to be like.
The look
The Staff
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The style
The food
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We’re going to have lots of variations of beets because remember, Bluffington loves beets.
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The Patti Mayonnaise
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“The Patti Mayonnaise” is a delicious, juicy burger smothered in sautéed onions and Swiss cheese with mayonnaise dressing on toasted Rye Bread -- all for an affordable $6.99.
The Skunky Beamont
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Skunky was a character that was always referred to and has since gained almost a God-like status. Events such as Skunky stealing Mr. Bone’s yodeling trophy and not blinking for three days after viewing a horror film are just the tip of the iceberg for this Cadillac of men.
“The Skunky Beamont” would be a delicious cheese steak sandwich with chipped steak, jalapeno peppers, diced onions and provolone cheese on a toasted Italian Hoagie roll. Priced at a meager $7.25.
The Mr. Dink Explosion
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So what do you think? Do you have any menu ideas?
Let me know, or don’t because this probably won’t ever happen. Except for when it does happen. Or not.
